Five Steps to Boosting Your Sensitivity

Step One: Match Your Expectations to Your Child's True Self.

To make sure that the expectations you set for your child are ones that stretch her potential without unintentionally zapping her self-worth, ask yourself this: Are my expectations

1. Developmentally appropriate.

Is my child developmentally ready for the tasks I’m requiring, or am I pushing him beyond the limits of his internal timetable? Learn what’s appropriate for your child’s age, but still keep in mind that developmental guidelines are not etched in stone. It’s always best to start from where your child is.

2. Realistic.

Is my expectation fair and reasonable, or am I expecting too much? Realistic expectations stretch kids to aim higher, without pushing them beyond their capabilities. Be careful of setting standards too high. Putting your child in situations that are too difficult puts her at risk of failing and lowering her feelings of competence.

3. Child oriented.

Is what I’m expecting something my child wants, or is it something I want more for myself? We all want our kids to be successful, but we have to be constantly wary of setting goals for our kids that are attempts to fulfill our dreams and not those of our kids.

4. Success oriented.

Am I setting the kind of expectations that tell my child I believe he’s responsible, reliable, and worthy? Effective expectations encourage kids to be their best so that they can develop a solid belief in themselves.

Don’t get so wrapped up in your hopes and dreams for your child’s future that you lose sight of what matters most in the here and now. After all, what could be more important than your child’s knowing that you love and cherish her for who she is—not for what you want her to be and what you hope she will become?

Step Two: Tune In to What’s Really Going On with Your Kid.

Put down that cell phone. Don’t worry about the dust. Be intentional. Take time every day—I’m not talking hours, just a few minutes—to take a good look at your child’s life and how things are going.

Step Three: Check Your Kid’s Vital Signs.

First the face: Are his eyes sparkling or flat? Is he scowling or smiling? Next the body language: Is she relaxed or stiff? Slumped down or coiled up? Finally, the voice: Is it tense and edgy or warm and resonant? Are you hearing whines or laughter? Any sudden changes in behavior: Clinginess? Anger or temper tantrums? Avoidance of situations? Negativity? Loss or big increase of appetite? Too little or too much sleep? Remember, your child isn’t going to come up and say outright, “You’re making demands on me I can’t fulfill,” but there are many ways, if you’re sensitive, that you can see it for yourself.

Step Four: Identify the Specific Misfit Between Expectation and Reality.

Is that accelerated class too hard? Is the coach too demanding? Are you too critical of your kid’s grades? Is that clique you’ve encouraged her to join too upscale? Talk to your spouse, the teacher, or your best friend.

Step Five: Take Action to Remove the Mismatch Between Your Expectation and Reality.

Find a better class. Take a break from soccer. Back off from stressing over grade-point average. Let your child choose her own friends. Remain vigilante and sensitive to your kid’s needs. Never stop checking for stress and overload, identifying the potential causes and taking action to provide the remedy.

Source : 12 Simple Secrets Real Moms Know. GETTING BACK TO BASICS AND RAISING HAPPY KIDS . Michele Borba, Ed.D. 2006