The result is that many moms today are suffering from what can only be described as a kind of frenzy—an abnormally high level of busyness, tension, stress, speediness, anxiety, heightened awareness, and even panic. Many moms can’t get enough sleep; they can never keep up or do enough for their kids and are feeling guilty and inadequate about it. They’re overwhelmed
trying to be Super-mom, to fulfill the expectations placed on them. They overcompensate by taking on more and more until you might as well admit that they’re in a state of Motherhood Mania. Of course, we accept those expectations. Isn’t that what a good mother does?
We know it’s not for a lack of love and good intentions. Yet it’s painfully obvious that things are bad, and we’ve got to find the reason. There’s no one easy answer, but here are eleven issues to consider:
1. New knowledge about child development.
We know a lot more about child development than we used to, and everyone agrees that parents do make a difference. What we say and do and how we behave with our children have a huge impact on their development. It’s not just nature, its nurture.
2. Competition.
Parents today want their children to excel— to do better than they did. There’s a feeling that kids have to win and do better than other kids, and there’s a big fear of failure, as if only the strong or successful can flourish in this age of anxiety. Moms find themselves fighting ruthlessly with other moms for slots in nursery schools or ice time on the hockey team.
3. More options.
Entrepreneurs have created so many attractive choices and opportunities for kids today. Parents find themselves bombarded with seductive appeals for everything from music, athletic, and academic training to adventure camps in foreign locales that are guaranteed to enrich their children’s lives or teach them a second language.
4. More media.
Here is just a one-week sampling of some of the cover stories in national magazines: Atlantic Monthly: “Stop Being a Slacker Mom”; New York Times Magazine: “Mommy Madness”; U.S. News & World Report: “Mysteries of the Teen Years”; Newsweek: “Babies and Autism”; Time: “What Teachers Hate About Parents: Pushy Dads. Hovering Moms. Parents Who Don’t Show Up at All. Are Kids Paying the Price?” During that same week, many TV and radio talk shows focused on parent-child crisis issues. Over eight hundred books on the concept of motherhood were published between 1970 and 2000; of those, only twenty-seven were published between 1970 and 1980. My mom had just one parenting “guru”: Benjamin Spock. These days it’s as though a new study comes out almost daily advising parents how to optimize their children’s potential.
5. Financial pressures.
It’s more and more expensive to be a parent. School materials, sports equipment and tournament travel, special lessons, tutoring, computer equipment—the demand for cash seems never ending. Then there’s just the “normal” stuff—clothing, food, books. With downsizing and layoffs in our roller coaster economy, parents are also concerned that their kids won’t be able to find a job unless they go to the very best schools and have better skills than anyone else. It all adds to the stress and mania.
6. Guilt.
We’re working. We’re striving. We’re often away from home more than we’d like. We’re trying to do the best for our kids, but it also means that sometimes we’re tired and cranky and don’t do everything we think we ought to be doing for our families. So we’re wracked with guilt, shame, remorse, and more guilt.
7. Wanting to be liked.
Many moms want to be their children’s best friend. They can’t stand the idea of making an unpopular decision, saying no, or (heaven forbid) disciplining their kids if doing so might cause their kids to resent them or say, “You’re mean, Mom.”
8. Outdoing their own moms.
And then there are some moms who are still dealing with unresolved conflicts from their own childhood. The last thing they want to do is repeat the same mistakes their mother made. “I’m going to be a much better mom than she was and show her how it really should be done.”
9. Lack of confidence.
Some mothers feel as though they’re being graded every day and may be flunking the Motherhood Test. They lack confidence in their judgment and are constantly second-guessing themselves.
10. Wanting a trophy child.
Have you ever seen a mother whose child is just her favorite possession—a living representation of her own worth, an accessory? Her kid’s achievements give this mom “bragging rights.” This type of mother is so self-centered that she thinks of her child only as a reflection of her own achievements.
11. The test craze.
These days there is no child left untested. Standardized tests. Achievement tests. Aptitude tests. PSATs. SATs. A child’s current worth and potential for success are coming to be dictated by a portfolio of numbers. From the preschool admission tests to LSATs— they’re making us crazy worrying that our kids aren’t going to be good enough.
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