ADHD Properly Diagnosed (James W. Forgan, Ph.D., and Mary Anne Richey)

Have you ever asked yourself, “Why seek a professional diagnosis? Why not just begin a homeopathic or behavioral treatment?” One dad, a prospective client of Jim’s, called and asked abruptly, “Why should I drop a grand with you to diagnose my son when I can just start counseling?” Jim explained that a thorough evaluation and proper diagnosis help determine the most appropriate treatment. 

Let’s face it: You can build a house without a set of plans. It may take a lot longer, cost a lot more, and have hidden problems, but it can be done. Likewise, do you think a smart general enters a war without a battle plan? Absolutely not. So why start treating your son for something you suspect but haven’t confirmed? 

The diagnosis serves multiple purposes. First, it may provide parents with a sense of understanding, which is often accompanied by relief. Parents may be relieved to know their child really does have something fundamentally different about his mind. The diagnosis also can help parents shift their mindset about their child. 

Second, the diagnosis may provide you and your son with access to school services. Most public and private schools require a professional diagnosis or an evaluation to provide any formal accommodations. Accommodations are adjustments such as extra time to complete tests or homework, seating near the front of the class, or frequent breaks. Furthermore, as boys with ADHD prepare to take college entrance exams, a diagnosis and a complete evaluation report by a qualified individual are required to receive accommodations. 

School Series : Be a partner with your child’s school

Being a partner with your child’s school means working together with teachers, assistants, the nurse, counselors, and the principal to do what’s best for your child. Here is how to do that:
• Volunteer to help. If you can, spend some time at your child’s school. You will develop a good relationship with your child’s teachers. Helping at your child’s school can give you a better idea of the people and programs that are available to your child. Offer to help out in the school library or classroom. Volunteer to chaperone a field trip, be a “class parent,” or share something special about your job with your child’s class. Volunteer to work at the refreshment stand at a football game, or offer to drive students to volunteer in a community program. If you can’t be in school during the day, you can offer to type up field-trip forms or class lists, make class phone calls for the teacher, donate supplies, or make nutritious snacks for the class. You might organize a study group for the students before a big test or final exams. Serve “brain food.” Teachers will appreciate the fact that you care and that you are helping, even when you’re helping out from home.

• Participate in school events throughout the year. It can be difficult to find the time to attend games, concerts, plays, or other activities at school, but it’s important to do it when you can. Invite other family members and good friends—people who know your child well—to join you for these events. Try to attend school events designed for parents, such as back-to-school nights, an open house, or the college or university fair. Join the parent-teacher organization at your school.

School Series : Help your child get organized

We all do better work when we manage our time well and organize the tasks in front of us. Here are some ways to help your child get organized for school:

• Put a family calendar in the kitchen and write down important school dates. Write down when parents’ night at school will be, when report cards are coming out, when conferences take place, and when the holiday show will be. As soon as you receive an announcement of a coming event, write it down on the calendar. Talk with your spouse or partner about events on the calendar so that you both know what’s coming up. If your child’s other parent doesn’t live with you, give him or her a call so everyone can plan in advance for an important event. If you know you will not be able to attend a program at school, ask another family member or friend if she can be there in your place.

• Make sure there is a quiet space at home where your child can study without distractions. Make sure it has good lighting. Turn off the TV. Let younger children know that they have to let their sister work on her assignments because it is important to do them carefully.

• Help your child make lists and charts that will help him remember what he has to do. Make a check or star when each job is finished.

Toddlerhood Series : Support your child’s curiosity, intelligence, and hard work

Here are some ways you can encourage your child to work hard and be a curious and active learner:
• Praise and celebrate your child’s efforts and accomplishments. Focus on how much she wanted to do a good job and how hard she worked. Praise your child for trying hard and sticking with it. The effort is even more important than the final grade. Praise and celebrate every child in your family all year long—not just when report cards come out. Display your child’s papers and artwork on the refrigerator. Tell your child how wonderful her work is.

• Read often to your child and encourage your child to read. Your child is never too young for you to read aloud to him. Your child is never too old to listen to you read aloud. The more your child reads, the better prepared he will be to handle harder and harder schoolwork as he moves up the grades.

• Be interested in all the questions that your child asks. Try to answer or talk about those questions, even if you feel busy or tired. Whenever you can, take the time to help your child find the answers to questions—by looking in books, by asking an “expert,” by figuring it out.

School Series: Be actively involved in your child’s education.

Get to know your child’s teachers. Go to school meetings and special events like plays and holiday shows. Know when a test is coming up or a report is due. Here are some other ways you can be actively involved:
• Walk or drive your child to school when you can. If you drive your child, every now and then park the car and take a minute to go in if you can. Getting to know teachers and staff will help you and your child connect with school, especially in the elementary years.

• Find out about school and become familiar with your child’s schedule. It’s easier to have conversations about school if you know the names of all your child’s teachers and what’s going on in the classroom and at school. That way you can ask specific questions. “I heard you’re taking a trip to the town library next week. What are you studying?” “Are you going to enter a project in the upcoming science fair?” “Is your music class working on anything to perform for the holiday concert?”

Therapy series : Oral Motor Excercises 2

Tongue

1. Stick your tongue straight out, hold, then put it in
2. Move your tongue to the right corner of your mouth then to the left on the outside of your mouth
3. Push the inside of your cheek out with your tongue on the right side, then the left side
4. Lift your tongue up to your upper lip, then your lower lip; don.t use your jaw to lift your tongue up
5. Lift your tongue up behind your front teeth as if you were saying .la.
6. Open your mouth and lick your lips with your tongue in a wide circle

Source : Clarian Health Partners, Inc., 1998

Is Your Pregnancy High Risk?

Your pregnancy may be treated as high risk if :

1. you are over 35 years old and are therefore at increased risk of giving birth to a child with a chromosomal anomaly;
2. you are under 17 and are therefore at increased risk of experiencing intrauterine growth restriction;
3. you are carrying more than one baby and are therefore at risk of experiencing a number of pregnancy-related complications, including preterm labor;
4. you have a chronic health condition such as diabetes, heart problems, or a blood-clotting disorder that has the potential to affect your pregnancy;
5. you have a history of gynecological problems such as pelvic inflammatory disease (PID), endometriosis, or large symptomatic fibroids;
6. you have a history of miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, stillbirth or premature birth;
7. you have an STD, including HIV, that could be transmitted to your baby during pregnancy or at the time of birth;
8. you are pregnant as a result of assisted reproductive technologies (something that may put you at increased risk of having a multiple pregnancy);
9. you have had two or more second-trimester abortions (which may increase your chances of having problems with an incompetent cervix);
10. your mother took DES during her pregnancy (which may increase your odds of having difficulty carrying a pregnancy to term);
11. you conceived while using an IUD (something that increases your chances of experiencing a miscarriage);
12. you have a child with a genetic disorder or are a carrier for a genetic disorder (something that may increase your risk of giving birth to a child with that particular genetic disorder).

Source : The Unofficial Guide to Having a Baby. Second Edition . Ann Douglas and John R. Sussman, M.D. 2004

Styles of Parenting

Diana Baumrind, a psychology professor at the University of California at Berkeley, extensively studied parenting styles by observing families firsthand. She identified three different styles of parenting and also determined that one is more effective in raising confident children.

• Permissive. You dish out a lot of affection, but you make few demands on your kid and wouldn’t consider yourself a strong disciplinarian. You’d rather be your kid’s best friend than her parent.
• Authoritarian. You use a lot of commands and threats based on an absolute standard of conduct and higher authority. You rarely ask your child what he thinks or consider compromising or negotiating. You believe in indoctrinating your child with respect for work, authority, and tradition. There’s no give-and-take.
• Authoritative. Your parenting combines confident authority with reasoning, fairness, and love. You encourage your child’s input and acknowledge your own responsibility as an adult but also your child’s individual needs and desires.

If you think you’re too permissive, see if any of these statements reflect your attitude:

• I want to raise my child differently from how I was raised. My parents were too strict, and I don’t have a good relationship with them.
• My schedule takes me away from my family a lot. This is my way of making up for not being there for my kids.
• Everyone gives their kids things. Why should I be any different?
• I’m trying to be a friend to my kids. I think that’s a big part of raising children and being a good parent.
• I want my child to be happy and have a happy childhood. Always being on his case for his behavior isn’t going to help develop that outcome.
• I’m afraid to say no to my child. He might not love or approve of me.
• My child has had some tough breaks, and I’m just trying to make things easier.
• I don’t believe in punishment.
• I’m afraid that if I say no I might crush my child’s self esteem or spirit.
• Bad behaviors just go away on their own. They’re really just a phase.

If you think you’re too authoritarian, see if any of these statements fit you:

• I’m exhausted. I really don’t have time to listen to my kid’s opinions.
• I believe kids should be seen, not heard.
• This is how I was raised, and it’s how I plan to raise my kids.
• Deep down this isn’t my philosophy, but my spouse is authoritarian. I’m copying my parenting partner’s style of discipline.
• I think kids today are spoiled and need a firm hand, or they will never respect authority.
• I don’t know another way to discipline my kids.
• I’m afraid to lose control.
• I believe in a family culture where you respect your elders and there is a clear hierarchy.

Which parenting style do you think produces kids who are more confident as well as more respectful? You’re right if you guessed “authoritative.” Consistently using this style of parenting greatly improves the chances that you will raise a more respectful, confident, happier child who also has a healthy relationship with you. What will make you decide to change your current style of discipline? What is the first step you need to take to make that change happen?

Source : 12 Simple Secrets Real Moms Know. GETTING BACK TO BASICS AND RAISING HAPPY KIDS . Michele Borba, Ed.D. 2006

Real Mom’s Secret : A Mother who Loves Teaches Worth. Is This Part of Your Parenting?

Here are some questions to ask yourself:

1. How well do you really know your child?

• What are your child’s real passions, the things he loves to do? What are his interests, his hobbies? What does he tune in to or seem fascinated about?
• What are her true talents? For instance, does she draw well? Does she have great rhythm, incredible grace, endurance, a kind heart? Does she think in numbers, have an amazing vocabulary?
• What are his academic abilities? For instance, does he remember things quickly, enjoy reading or listening, like to write, have a knack for numbers, have a long attention span?
• How does she handle social settings? Is she more of a watcher or a joiner? Does she lead or follow? Does she buckle to peer pressure or stand up to it? Does she prefer to be around lots of people, a few, or none at all? Does she make friends easily or need guidance? Is she more of an extrovert or an introvert?
• How well does he handle pressure or criticism? Do deadlines stimulate or paralyze him? Does he need reminders, or is he self-motivated? When he fails, does he need encouragement, or does he pick himself right back up? Does criticism shrivel him or help him? Does he welcome competition or wither? Is he laid back or intense? Does he have positive or negative self-esteem?

2. Thinking now about the profile you’ve just created for your child, you need to ask yourself whether your hopes and dreams for her are based on who she really is or on who you want her to be. Are your current expectations—the ones you’ve more recently crafted for your child’s life—matching your kid so that they enhance his self-esteem? Are your dreams in line with your kid? What would need altering? Here are some things to consider: Would you say for the most part that your child is thriving or barely surviving? Loving the competitive pace or dreading it? Jumping out of bed each morning with an “I can’t wait” attitude for practice or playgroup or violin, or using excuses to get out of it? Is she talking excitedly about gymnastics or that new chess

club you’ve enrolled her in, or is she feigning headaches? Is your kid really capable of taking the accelerated class, doing the chore, participating in soccer or the playgroup? Are some of the tasks above his level of ability? Is he mature enough? Is this something he really wants to do, or is this your dream? Does he have the skills needed to succeed? Write a list of your concerns. Doing so will help you develop a plan to deal with them.

3. Has your kid or someone else ever wondered out loud if you’re being sensitive to who your kid really is?

4. If you’re sitting in a room and your child walks in unexpectedly, do your eyes light up with joy no matter what’s the latest mishap?

5. If there is one thing you could do to be more sensitive to your child and show your unconditional love, what would it be?

Source : 12 Simple Secrets Real Moms Know. GETTING BACK TO BASICS AND RAISING HAPPY KIDS . Michele Borba, Ed.D. 2006

The Twelve Qualities Your Child Needs for a Life That’s Happily Ever After

Look at your child and try to picture him or her in twenty-five years as a grown-up. What do you see? Does your son or daughter have these twelve essential qualities:

1. Is he happy, optimistic, and secure? Does he have authentic self-esteem?

2. Is she in a healthy, loving relationship? Does she have good friends and loyal allies?

3. Does he have a strong moral compass? Does he have good values and strong character?

4. Does she have empathy and compassion for all people? Is she kind, unselfish, and humane?

5. Does he have self-control and patience? Can he delay gratification?

6. Is she able to make good decisions on her own?

7. Is he self-reliant?

8. Is she responsible and internally motivated? Does she have a good work ethic?

9. Is he practical and resourceful in handling day-to-day living?

10. Is she resilient? If life throws her a curve, can she bounce back?

11. Is he confident and positive about his identity and strengths?

12. Does she have fun? Does she laugh? Is her life balanced between work and love, self and others?

Yes, each of our kids is born with a certain temperament and genetic predisposition. Certainly there are some things about our kids’ development that are not under our control— but many are.

Source : 12 Simple Secrets Real Moms Know. GETTING BACK TO BASICS AND RAISING HAPPY KIDS . Michele Borba, Ed.D. 2006

A Real Mom’s Resource Guide

College of the Overwhelmed: The Campus Mental Health Crisis and What to Do About It, by Richard D. Kadison and Theresa Foy Di-Geronimo (San Francisco: Jossey-Bass, 2004). Sure, your kids may still be toddlers, but every parent should be aware of this book, and the sooner you read it the better. Written by the chief of the Mental Health Service at Harvard University Health Services, the book warns us of a mental health crisis in college students today. With the rising numbers of stressedout, depressed, suicidal students who cannot cope with failure (that is, their first B grade), parents need to understand the crisis now to better prepare their kids for life later.

The Heart of Parenting: Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child, by John Gottman, with Joan deClaire (New York: Simon & Schuster, 1997). A renowned psychologist teaches you the five steps of Emotion Coaching not only to help you tune in to your children’s emotional needs but also to help kids become better at soothing themselves when they are upset.

“Help Me, I’m Sad,” by David G. Fassler and Lynne S. Dumas (New York: Viking, 1997). This book is full of solid advice for parents on recognizing, treating, and preventing childhood and adolescent depression.

The Hurried Child: Growing Up Too Fast Too Soon, by David Elkind (New York: Perseus, 2001). The title says it all. Now in its third edition, this classic is still pertinent today.

KidStress, by Georgia Witkin (New York: Viking, 1999). This book talks about what causes kids’ stress and offers practical ideas to alleviate it.

The Over-Scheduled Child, by Alvin Rosenfeld and Nicole Wise (New York: St. Martin’s Griffin, 2001). The authors make a compelling argument against what they consider “hyperparenting” and the impact it has on kids. Put this book on your “mustread” list, Mom.

Parenting by Heart: How to Stay Connected to Your Child in a Disconnected World, by Ron Taffel, with Melinda Blau (Cambridge, Mass.: Perseus, 2002). In this book based around a long-standing series of parenting workshops, Taffel aims to debunk the most damaging myths of parenthood and replace them with a flexible set of solutions that can be easily adapted to different situations. This book presents a variety of innovative ideas that can boost our sensitivity to our children’s needs. Taffel, as always, is practical and affirming.

Positive Pushing: How to Raise a Successful and Happy Child, by Jim Taylor (New York: Hyperion, 2005). Dr. Taylor shows that achievement and happiness can be mutually inclusive. By providing active guidance and positive support, parents free their children to seek out and pursue true success and happiness in life.

The Pressured Child: Helping Your Child Find Success in School and Life, by Michael Thompson, with Teresa Barker (New York: Ballantine, 2004). This book helps sensitize parents to the real pressures that new cultural norms impose on kids at school these days and offers advice to parents and educators on how to help children cope. It is based on interviews with children, parents, and teachers and—most revealing—shadowing students at school.

What Do You Really Want for Your Children? by Wayne W. Dyer (New York: Avon, 1985). This book offers straightforward advice about raising children and increasing their self-esteem.

Your Anxious Child: How Parents and Teachers Can Relieve Anxiety inChildren, by John S. Dacey and Lisa B. Fiore (San Francisco: Jossey-Bass, 2000). This book describes proven ways to help kids handle stress and cope with difficulties more confidently.

Source : 12 Simple Secrets Real Moms Know. GETTING BACK TO BASICS AND RAISING HAPPY KIDS . Michele Borba, Ed.D. 2006

The Urge to Be Super-mom

The result is that many moms today are suffering from what can only be described as a kind of frenzy—an abnormally high level of busyness, tension, stress, speediness, anxiety, heightened awareness, and even panic. Many moms can’t get enough sleep; they can never keep up or do enough for their kids and are feeling guilty and inadequate about it. They’re overwhelmed

trying to be Super-mom, to fulfill the expectations placed on them. They overcompensate by taking on more and more until you might as well admit that they’re in a state of Motherhood Mania. Of course, we accept those expectations. Isn’t that what a good mother does?

We know it’s not for a lack of love and good intentions. Yet it’s painfully obvious that things are bad, and we’ve got to find the reason. There’s no one easy answer, but here are eleven issues to consider:

1. New knowledge about child development.

We know a lot more about child development than we used to, and everyone agrees that parents do make a difference. What we say and do and how we behave with our children have a huge impact on their development. It’s not just nature, its nurture.

2. Competition.

Parents today want their children to excel— to do better than they did. There’s a feeling that kids have to win and do better than other kids, and there’s a big fear of failure, as if only the strong or successful can flourish in this age of anxiety. Moms find themselves fighting ruthlessly with other moms for slots in nursery schools or ice time on the hockey team.

3. More options.

Entrepreneurs have created so many attractive choices and opportunities for kids today. Parents find themselves bombarded with seductive appeals for everything from music, athletic, and academic training to adventure camps in foreign locales that are guaranteed to enrich their children’s lives or teach them a second language.

4. More media.

Here is just a one-week sampling of some of the cover stories in national magazines: Atlantic Monthly: “Stop Being a Slacker Mom”; New York Times Magazine: “Mommy Madness”; U.S. News & World Report: “Mysteries of the Teen Years”; Newsweek: “Babies and Autism”; Time: “What Teachers Hate About Parents: Pushy Dads. Hovering Moms. Parents Who Don’t Show Up at All. Are Kids Paying the Price?” During that same week, many TV and radio talk shows focused on parent-child crisis issues. Over eight hundred books on the concept of motherhood were published between 1970 and 2000; of those, only twenty-seven were published between 1970 and 1980. My mom had just one parenting “guru”: Benjamin Spock. These days it’s as though a new study comes out almost daily advising parents how to optimize their children’s potential.

5. Financial pressures.

It’s more and more expensive to be a parent. School materials, sports equipment and tournament travel, special lessons, tutoring, computer equipment—the demand for cash seems never ending. Then there’s just the “normal” stuff—clothing, food, books. With downsizing and layoffs in our roller coaster economy, parents are also concerned that their kids won’t be able to find a job unless they go to the very best schools and have better skills than anyone else. It all adds to the stress and mania.

6. Guilt.

We’re working. We’re striving. We’re often away from home more than we’d like. We’re trying to do the best for our kids, but it also means that sometimes we’re tired and cranky and don’t do everything we think we ought to be doing for our families. So we’re wracked with guilt, shame, remorse, and more guilt.

7. Wanting to be liked.

Many moms want to be their children’s best friend. They can’t stand the idea of making an unpopular decision, saying no, or (heaven forbid) disciplining their kids if doing so might cause their kids to resent them or say, “You’re mean, Mom.”

8. Outdoing their own moms.

And then there are some moms who are still dealing with unresolved conflicts from their own childhood. The last thing they want to do is repeat the same mistakes their mother made. “I’m going to be a much better mom than she was and show her how it really should be done.”

9. Lack of confidence.

Some mothers feel as though they’re being graded every day and may be flunking the Motherhood Test. They lack confidence in their judgment and are constantly second-guessing themselves.

10. Wanting a trophy child.

Have you ever seen a mother whose child is just her favorite possession—a living representation of her own worth, an accessory? Her kid’s achievements give this mom “bragging rights.” This type of mother is so self-centered that she thinks of her child only as a reflection of her own achievements.

11. The test craze.

These days there is no child left untested. Standardized tests. Achievement tests. Aptitude tests. PSATs. SATs. A child’s current worth and potential for success are coming to be dictated by a portfolio of numbers. From the preschool admission tests to LSATs— they’re making us crazy worrying that our kids aren’t going to be good enough.

And is Motherhood Mania worth it? Is it worth all the time and energy and money we’re spending? Do our kids really benefit from all these splendid extracurricular activities and stimulating experiences?

Source : 12 Simple Secrets Real Moms Know. GETTING BACK TO BASICS AND RAISING HAPPY KIDS . Michele Borba, Ed.D. 2006

Four Simple Strategies for Firm Discipline

1. Use the rewind method. To be absolutely sure your child knows what you want, state your request and then ask her to “rewind” (repeat) what you just said back to you. It takes only a few seconds and eliminates any chance of misunderstanding.

2. Try the “Ten-Second Rule.” Limit your words to exactly what you want your child to do. If you can’t state your request in ten seconds, you’re saying too much.

3. Lower your voice. Sometimes the fastest way to get kids to comply is by lowering your voice tone. Nothing turns a kid off faster than yelling. Teachers have used this strategy for years because it works.

4. Keep it short. Kids are more receptive when they know they don’t have to hear a lecture, so keep your request short and to the point: “Please make your bed before you go outside.” Sometimes saying one word does the trick: “Homework!” “Chores!” Or just write the word on a Post-it and stick it on the TV while your kid is still watching: “BED!” “GARBAGE!” He’ll get the hint. (If not, push the power button off.)

Source : 12 Simple Secrets Real Moms Know. GETTING BACK TO BASICS AND RAISING HAPPY KIDS . Michele Borba, Ed.D. 2006

Real Mom : Are You Ready to Make a Change?

Here are a few more questions to help you realize it’s time to get your family out of the fast lane—to slow down and make a few different parenting choices so that your kids will be happier and more confident, develop stronger values, and become self-reliant. Do any of these ring true for you or your family?

• Do you feel guilty about not living up to your own image of the perfect mom? Do you second-guess your mothering or think you’re not doing a good-enough job?
• Do you worry about your child—about whether the workload and schedule is too much?
• At your parent-teacher conference, do you find yourself asking more about your kid’s grade and how he’s competing with the rest of the class than about whether he is happy and how he gets along?
• Are you frequently stressed or exhausted or impatient with your family? Does the littlest, tiniest thing get under your skin? Are you quick to anger? Are you yelling more?
• Are you on the coach’s case complaining that your child isn’t getting enough game time or respect on the team?
• Has success become such a huge commodity in your family that your kids are afraid to let you down or disappoint you with a poor grade?
• Do you worry that your kid seems really anxious or depressed? That she’s not having any fun?
• Do you worry when your kid seems to have nothing to do, and feel as though you have to educate or entertain him every second of the day?
• Do you always compare yourself frequently to other mothers and worry that they’re doing a better job than you are?

If you answered yes to any of the questions, it’s time to you make some changes for your kids, yourself, and your family.

We’ll work on simple changes so that you stop trying to do it all and instead focus on what really matters in giving your kid what she needs to be happy and successful on her own.

Yes, it will involve a little work—but we’re talking about simple changes. I’ll show you how to make easy adjustments that can have a dramatic impact on your family. And if you stick to your commitment and do make those changes, you will be happier and more content in your mothering, and your children will have a much better chance of being successful not only in school but also in life. And that’s because you’ll be raising your kids so they can survive and thrive without you.

Source : 12 Simple Secrets Real Moms Know. GETTING BACK TO BASICS AND RAISING HAPPY KIDS . Michele Borba, Ed.D. 2006

Five Steps to Boosting Your Sensitivity

Step One: Match Your Expectations to Your Child's True Self.

To make sure that the expectations you set for your child are ones that stretch her potential without unintentionally zapping her self-worth, ask yourself this: Are my expectations

1. Developmentally appropriate.

Is my child developmentally ready for the tasks I’m requiring, or am I pushing him beyond the limits of his internal timetable? Learn what’s appropriate for your child’s age, but still keep in mind that developmental guidelines are not etched in stone. It’s always best to start from where your child is.

2. Realistic.

Is my expectation fair and reasonable, or am I expecting too much? Realistic expectations stretch kids to aim higher, without pushing them beyond their capabilities. Be careful of setting standards too high. Putting your child in situations that are too difficult puts her at risk of failing and lowering her feelings of competence.

3. Child oriented.

Is what I’m expecting something my child wants, or is it something I want more for myself? We all want our kids to be successful, but we have to be constantly wary of setting goals for our kids that are attempts to fulfill our dreams and not those of our kids.

4. Success oriented.

Am I setting the kind of expectations that tell my child I believe he’s responsible, reliable, and worthy? Effective expectations encourage kids to be their best so that they can develop a solid belief in themselves.

Don’t get so wrapped up in your hopes and dreams for your child’s future that you lose sight of what matters most in the here and now. After all, what could be more important than your child’s knowing that you love and cherish her for who she is—not for what you want her to be and what you hope she will become?

Step Two: Tune In to What’s Really Going On with Your Kid.

Put down that cell phone. Don’t worry about the dust. Be intentional. Take time every day—I’m not talking hours, just a few minutes—to take a good look at your child’s life and how things are going.

Step Three: Check Your Kid’s Vital Signs.

First the face: Are his eyes sparkling or flat? Is he scowling or smiling? Next the body language: Is she relaxed or stiff? Slumped down or coiled up? Finally, the voice: Is it tense and edgy or warm and resonant? Are you hearing whines or laughter? Any sudden changes in behavior: Clinginess? Anger or temper tantrums? Avoidance of situations? Negativity? Loss or big increase of appetite? Too little or too much sleep? Remember, your child isn’t going to come up and say outright, “You’re making demands on me I can’t fulfill,” but there are many ways, if you’re sensitive, that you can see it for yourself.

Step Four: Identify the Specific Misfit Between Expectation and Reality.

Is that accelerated class too hard? Is the coach too demanding? Are you too critical of your kid’s grades? Is that clique you’ve encouraged her to join too upscale? Talk to your spouse, the teacher, or your best friend.

Step Five: Take Action to Remove the Mismatch Between Your Expectation and Reality.

Find a better class. Take a break from soccer. Back off from stressing over grade-point average. Let your child choose her own friends. Remain vigilante and sensitive to your kid’s needs. Never stop checking for stress and overload, identifying the potential causes and taking action to provide the remedy.

Source : 12 Simple Secrets Real Moms Know. GETTING BACK TO BASICS AND RAISING HAPPY KIDS . Michele Borba, Ed.D. 2006

Six Core Principles of Real Mothering

Having traveled around a lot talking, interviewing, and surveying mothers across the United States and throughout the world these past few years, I can tell you with confidence that being a real mother is founded on just six core principles that these women knew all along. A responsible, caring woman

1. Loves her children deeply and is committed to raising them to the best of her ability

2. Knows the essential and proven parenting principles

3. Maintains a strong belief that no one understands or knows better what’s best for her child than herself

4. Recognizes her child’s and her own unique strengths and temperament, and customizes her parenting to fit

5. Has the confidence to act on these beliefs

6. Knows, above all else, that it’s the connection with her child that matters most

The true essence of real mothering lies in who you really are and how you connect with your child—and that’s what we’ve so often forgotten.

We need to get back to real mothering. The benefits of doing so are profound for you, your child, and your family—they last for always. And the sooner we return to basic, instinctive, natural, authentic mothering, the stronger our families will be.

Source : 12 Simple Secrets Real Moms Know. GETTING BACK TO BASICS AND RAISING HAPPY KIDS . Michele Borba, Ed.D. 2006

Characteristics of Gifted Families (Part 2)

Perfectionism is an energy that can be used either positively or negatively. It can cause paralysis and underachievement, if the person feels incapable of meeting standards set by the self or by others. It also can be the passion that leads to extraordinary creative achievement—an ecstatic struggle to move beyond the previous limits of one’s capabilities and a component of the drive for self-actualization (Maslow, 1970). In a study of 400 gifted sixth graders, Parker (1997) found perfectionism to be correlated with conscientiousness rather than neurosis; he argued for appreciation of a healthy form of perfectionism. Therapists need to be able to distinguish between unreachable, punitive self-standards and a level of excellence within the grasp of gifted clients.

In gifted mothers, perfectionism may blend with their desire for beauty and order. Leta Hollingworth (1939) wrote that she had never met a gifted person who did not have a love of beauty. The desire to create beauty can express itself in gardening; flower arranging; taste in clothing; the care with which one decorates one’s home; delight in music, art, and sunsets; orderliness; and appreciation of the elegance of mathematics. Gifted individuals with limited funds may become depressed having to live in inelegant surroundings. Family conflicts erupt when perfectionist mothers with a strong aesthetic sense strive to maintain too high a level of order in their homes. For example, one mother insisted that her teenage son hang all of his clothes in the same direction in his closet. It is essential for the counselor to honor the gifted mother’s need for beauty and, at the same, assist her in picking her battles.

The complexity of gifted minds is mirrored in the complexity of their emotions. Highly intelligent people see so many variables in a situation, so many connections between seemingly unrelated events, and so many potential outcomes that they may not be able to sort through all of the information to find an appropriate path. Decision-making is simpler when one has less information. While there has been much psychological investigation of the pitfalls of black/white thinking, little has been written about the dilemma of living with an infinite number of shades of gray. If the individual is petrified of making a mistake and believes that all but one of those shades of gray will be a dreadful error, life becomes a perilous walk on a tightrope with no safety net below. And if members of a family share this trait, decision-making is highly charged. The therapist must provide the safety net, while attempting to unknot the multitudinous variables, so that family members can safely navigate life. The heart of therapeutic work with gifted families comes from their insatiable need for meaning. The clinician often asks, “What does this mean to you?” Gifted individuals are willing to cope with loneliness, being the perpetual outsider, and even lack of joy, if they can find meaning in their experience.

Two other characteristics of the gifted family are their lack of conventionality and their cohesiveness. Some therapists mistake the closeness of many gifted families for enmeshment. This is especially true for the exceptionally gifted, who may have no one outside their

family with whom they can relate. Kearney (1992) writes:

Giftedness is a family affair. … Discrepancies in an individual child’s development affect siblings, parents, and extended family members as well as the child, and educational options have repercussions that can reverberate throughout the family system and across generations. (p. 9)

If these children are placed in heterogeneous, rigidly age-graded classrooms in school with no opportunity to associate with gifted peers for academic and social activities, it may appear to their teachers that they do not “socialize well” with other children. In addition, if they complicate the play to the point where other children literally cannot play with them, they will not be surrounded by playmates at recess. But within the family, they may spend hours and hours with gifted siblings of varying ages participating in imaginative, extremely complex play. During the 19th century, this would not have been unusual, since children spent much less time in school and much more time at home. Twentieth century society, however, features a much different pattern of expectations for family life. Thus, such closeness and creativity among gifted siblings sometimes is perceived negatively by schools and mental health professionals… (pp. 9–10)

Source : Clinical Practice with Gifted Families. Handbook of Giftedness In Children. Linda Kreger Silverman and Alexandra Shires Golon. 2008

Characteristics of Gifted Families (Part 1)

The characteristics of giftedness in childhood do not disappear when one becomes an adult. Only memory has a short shelf life. Parents of highly able children are usually gifted ex-children (Tolan, 1994). Genetic studies suggest that “intelligence…is one of the most heritable dimensions of behavior” (Plomin, 1999, p. 29); therefore, if one child is gifted, it is likely that the entire family is gifted. From this perspective, there are no “potentially” gifted children, even as there are no potentially retarded children.

Families of the gifted have been studied from a different vantage point: to discover how family life creates giftedness or eminence (e.g., Albert, 1980; Bloom 1985; Goertzel, Goertzel, Goertzel & Hansen, 2004) and to see how one child being labeled gifted affects siblings (e.g., Colangelo & Brower, 1987; Cornell, 1984). These questions are from the fields of psychology and education, which have been somewhat skeptical of genetics. The concept that a gifted child is imbedded within a gifted family is probably more palatable to medically trained psychiatrists and clinical social workers, since medicine places a strong premium on heredity.

When a parent brings a child for testing, it often opens the door to self-discovery, sometimes leading the parent to seek assessment for him- or herself. Even without formal testing, parents may begin to recognize their own abilities when they read a list of the characteristics of giftedness. But owning one’s gifts is another matter.

Giftedness is so wed to recognized achievement in adults that most parents, regardless of what they have achieved, have an immediate disconnect from the notion that they might be gifted. This is particularly true of mothers, who often avow, “She gets it from her father!” If mothers are their daughters’ first role models, and mothers cannot be gifted, how can their daughters believe in their own giftedness?

Many of the issues in gifted families are related to unrecognized giftedness and the characteristics of the gifted throughout the life cycle. The feeling of being an outsider in any social sphere, a feeling that began in childhood, colors the parent’s attitudes and concerns for the child. It is this lack of belonging that may drive a gifted adult to seek therapy and that gets triggered when there is family conflict. If the conflict is intense, it may bring the threat of loss of the only community to which the parent has ever belonged.

Increased sensitivity is common throughout the family system. Intensity is another family trait (Meckstroth, 1989). Any perceived slight can quickly escalate into a major drama. Luckily, intense blow-ups often blow over quickly. In working with the incendiary quality of the gifted family, two other characteristics of giftedness can mitigate the potential damage to family relations. Highly intelligent people are capable of understanding the point of view of others. And, as the first counselor/psychologist of the gifted, Leta Hollingworth (1940), often pointed out, humor is their “saving sense” (p. 274). If they can see the humor in the situation, or can get to the point where they are capable of laughing at themselves, they can get beyond their feelings of wounded-ness.

The argumentativeness of gifted families can be off-putting for those who do not understand it. Nearly all gifted individuals argue: some argue out loud and some argue with others in their minds—too polite to voice what they are thinking. Argument is a way of knowing and a form of mental exercise engaged in by inquisitive minds.

In some gifted families, mental sparring is the basic form of communication. Leta Hollingworth understood this trait well. As part of her “emotional education,” she designed a program to train highly gifted children in the fine art of argumentation, including “argument with oneself,” “argument with others in private, involving etiquette and the art of polite disagreement,” and “argument in public” (Hollingworth, 1939, p. 585). If parents were raised in authoritarian families where they were punished if they were disobedient, they may perceive their children’s argumentativeness as oppositional defiance.

There is very likely to be heightened perfectionism in a gifted family. This is one of the most frequently misunderstood qualities of the gifted. Clinicians often assume that perfectionism needs to be cured, since it appears to be a factor in several conditions, such as stress-related ailments, anxiety, depression, anorexia, bulimia, workaholic, sexual compulsions and dysfunctions, chemical abuse, Type A coronary-prone behavior, migraines, excessive cosmetic surgeries, suicide, psychosomatic disorders, and obsessive-compulsive personality disorder (American Psychiatric Association, 1994). However, in the gifted, perfectionism may have an entirely different significance (Silverman, 1999).

Source : Clinical Practice with Gifted Families. Handbook of Giftedness In Children. Linda Kreger Silverman and Alexandra Shires Golon. 2008

What are the Signs of Giftedness?

Parental recognition has been found to be a key ingredient in identification of, and differentiation for, gifted children in school settings (Dickinson, 1970). Recognition is enhanced when parents are exposed to a list of the typical traits of giftedness (Munger, 1990; Silverman, Chitwood, & Waters, 1986), such as the following:

Characteristics of Giftedness

Compared to other children your child’s age, how many of these descriptors fit your child?

• Reasons well (good thinker)

• Learns rapidly

• Has extensive vocabulary

• Has an excellent memory

• Has a long attention span (if interested)

• Sensitive (feelings hurt easily)

• Shows compassion

• Perfectionist

• Intense

• Morally sensitive

• Has strong curiosity

• Perseverant in areas of interest

• Has high degree of energy

• Prefers older companions or adults

• Has a wide range of interests

• Has a great sense of humor

• Early or avid reader (if too young to read, loves being read to)

• Concerned with justice, fairness

• Judgment mature for age at times

• Is a keen observer

• Has a vivid imagination

• Is highly creative

• Tends to question authority

• Has facility with numbers

• Good at jigsaw puzzles

The 25 traits above are from the Characteristics of Giftedness Scale (Silverman, 1993b), developed and studied over a period of 34 years (K. Rogers & Silverman, 1998; Silverman, 2003a). The descriptors were selected to meet the following criteria:

(a) applicable to a wide age range,

(b) generalize able to children of varied socioeconomic and ethnic backgrounds,

(c) gender fair,

(d) easily observed in the home environment,

(e) brief and clearly worded for ease of interpretation by parents, and

(f) supported by research.

The Characteristics of Giftedness Scale is a 4-point Likert scale, with room for anecdotal descriptions of each characteristic. Delisle (1992) has found that accuracy of parent checklists improves dramatically when parents are asked to provide anecdotal data about each characteristic endorsed. For many years, the scale was administered in a phone interview, and now it is sent to parents electronically. There is also a teacher version. In a study of 1000 children whose parents indicated that their children exhibited three-fourths of the characteristics, 84% of the children tested above 120 IQ (Silverman, 1998). Another 11% demonstrated superior abilities in some areas, but had weaknesses that depressed their IQ scores below 120. Exceptionally gifted children (above 160 IQ) demonstrated 80 to 90% of the characteristics (K. Rogers & Silverman, 1998).

Source : Clinical Practice with Gifted Families. Handbook of Giftedness In Children. Linda Kreger Silverman and Alexandra Shires Golon. 2008

What Is a Real Mom?

Hey, Mom: Are you real? Is what you’re doing as a mother going to “last for always”?

Sure, that may sound like a silly question, but the answer is going to tell you a lot about just how effective you are as a mother, how influential you will be on your children’s lives, and whether they will grow up to be happy adults with character and confidence. It will also make a big difference in just how happy your family is now, today, every day.

What does a real mom look like?

• A real mom doesn’t worry about what other moms are doing or saying.
• A real mom knows her children so well that she makes her parenting decisions based on their unique needs.
• A real mom is clear about her personal values and code of behavior, and sticks to them.
• A real mom knows what’s important for her family and keeps those priorities straight.
• A real mom has confidence in her maternal instinct and isn’t pushed around by the latest pressures and trends.
• A real mom knows that what matters most is a close connection with her children so that her influence lasts for always.

And what does a real mom do?

Above all, she stays true to herself and connected to her kids, and she doesn’t deviate from what she knows is best for her family.

• Real moms have a life of their own.
• Real moms break the rules for their family.
• Real moms let their kids wear the same clothes two days in a row.
• Real moms go on a date with their husbands and aren’t afraid to miss the PTA meeting.
• Real moms give their kids pots and pans to play with.
• Real moms leave their food on the tray and head for the parking lot when their kid has a meltdown at McDonalds.
• Real moms make their kids do their own homework.
• Real moms aren’t afraid to say no.
• Real moms give themselves time-outs.
• Real moms tell their kids they don’t have to play Beethoven’s “Für Elise” at the family reunion.
• Real moms know it’s not personal when their kids say, “You’re the meanest mother in the whole world.”
• Real moms say “Good job” when their kids get an A but hold off on the brand-new Lexus.
• Real moms make their sixteen-year-olds set their own alarm clocks.
• Real moms tell their kids to pay their own library fines.
• Real moms ask Uncle Harry to put on the lampshade and do his juggling act on the kitchen table as the birthday party clown.
• Real moms let their kids be bored.
• Real moms say, “Not in our family” when their kids complain that “But everyone else does.”
• Real moms say, “I’m not an ATM machine” and tell their kids to save money.
• Real moms admit they’re wrong.
• Real moms know they’re not perfect.
• Real moms leave the dust when the playgroup comes over.
• Real moms admit when they’re grouchy.
• Real moms send their kid to canoe paddling camp when the other mothers enroll theirs in intensive Chinese language immersion.

Source : 12 Simple Secrets Real Moms Know. GETTING BACK TO BASICS AND RAISING HAPPY KIDS . Michele Borba, Ed.D. 2006