“My Son Has ADHD. Now What?” (James W. Forgan, Ph.D., and Mary Anne Richey)

You may not always recognize boys with ADHD, but believe us, they are everywhere. The American Psychiatric Association (2000) stated in its text revision of the fourth edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders that “The prevalence of Attention-Deficit/ Hyperactivity Disorder has been estimated at 3%–7% in school age children” (p. 90). That’s a lot of kids! 

Furthermore, some organizations say up to 9.5% of the population has ADHD. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention website (2011), 5.4 million children ages 5–17 have been diagnosed with ADHD by a healthcare professional. The CDC data showed that as of 2007, 2.7 million children in that age group were receiving medication for ADHD. 

Assuming these numbers are accurate, a teacher can expect that at least 2 children in a class of 20 students will have ADHD. On a sports team of 12 players, there will be at least one with ADHD. In a church with a youth population of 100 children, at least 12 will have ADHD. How many kids live in your neighborhood? In addition to your own son, there are probably some boys with ADHD living around you. Boys (and girls) with ADHD are everywhere. 

Styles of Parenting

Diana Baumrind, a psychology professor at the University of California at Berkeley, extensively studied parenting styles by observing families firsthand. She identified three different styles of parenting and also determined that one is more effective in raising confident children.

• Permissive. You dish out a lot of affection, but you make few demands on your kid and wouldn’t consider yourself a strong disciplinarian. You’d rather be your kid’s best friend than her parent.
• Authoritarian. You use a lot of commands and threats based on an absolute standard of conduct and higher authority. You rarely ask your child what he thinks or consider compromising or negotiating. You believe in indoctrinating your child with respect for work, authority, and tradition. There’s no give-and-take.
• Authoritative. Your parenting combines confident authority with reasoning, fairness, and love. You encourage your child’s input and acknowledge your own responsibility as an adult but also your child’s individual needs and desires.

If you think you’re too permissive, see if any of these statements reflect your attitude:

• I want to raise my child differently from how I was raised. My parents were too strict, and I don’t have a good relationship with them.
• My schedule takes me away from my family a lot. This is my way of making up for not being there for my kids.
• Everyone gives their kids things. Why should I be any different?
• I’m trying to be a friend to my kids. I think that’s a big part of raising children and being a good parent.
• I want my child to be happy and have a happy childhood. Always being on his case for his behavior isn’t going to help develop that outcome.
• I’m afraid to say no to my child. He might not love or approve of me.
• My child has had some tough breaks, and I’m just trying to make things easier.
• I don’t believe in punishment.
• I’m afraid that if I say no I might crush my child’s self esteem or spirit.
• Bad behaviors just go away on their own. They’re really just a phase.

If you think you’re too authoritarian, see if any of these statements fit you:

• I’m exhausted. I really don’t have time to listen to my kid’s opinions.
• I believe kids should be seen, not heard.
• This is how I was raised, and it’s how I plan to raise my kids.
• Deep down this isn’t my philosophy, but my spouse is authoritarian. I’m copying my parenting partner’s style of discipline.
• I think kids today are spoiled and need a firm hand, or they will never respect authority.
• I don’t know another way to discipline my kids.
• I’m afraid to lose control.
• I believe in a family culture where you respect your elders and there is a clear hierarchy.

Which parenting style do you think produces kids who are more confident as well as more respectful? You’re right if you guessed “authoritative.” Consistently using this style of parenting greatly improves the chances that you will raise a more respectful, confident, happier child who also has a healthy relationship with you. What will make you decide to change your current style of discipline? What is the first step you need to take to make that change happen?

Source : 12 Simple Secrets Real Moms Know. GETTING BACK TO BASICS AND RAISING HAPPY KIDS . Michele Borba, Ed.D. 2006

Being pregnant and in an abusive relationship

According to a study reported in Obstetrics and Gynecology, one in five pregnant teens and one in six pregnant women can expect to experience physical or sexual abuse during her pregnancy — abuse that puts her at increased risk of experiencing miscarriage or giving birth to a low-birth weight baby.

Some pregnant women report an escalation of abuse during pregnancy, whereas others indicate that they only feel safe while they are carrying a child because they feel confident that their partner wouldn’t do anything to hurt the baby — something that can lead to repeated pregnancies as a way of escaping abuse.

Many women who have been putting up with abuse decide to make the break during pregnancy or shortly after the birth, fearing that the abuser may harm the baby. (Their concern about their baby’s well-being is justified, by the way: studies have shown that more than 50 percent of men who abuse their female partners also abuse their children and many others threaten to abuse their children.)

“It took me nine months after my son was born to finally leave an abusive relationship,” says Janna, a 35-year-old mother of two. “When I realized that my partner would be abusing my son, I realized I’d had enough.”

If you are in an abusive relationship and have made the decision to leave, here are some steps that can help you and your children get out as safely as possible:

■ Pack a suitcase and leave it in the care of a trusted friend or neighbor. Include clothing for yourself and your children, prescription medicines, toiletries, and an extra set of car keys.

■ Set up your own bank account and leave the passbook in the care of a friend.

■ Make sure that all of the important records you might need are in a place where you can find them quickly. These include birth certificates, Social Security cards, your voter registration card, your driver’s license, medical records, financial records, and documents proving ownership of the house and car.

■ Know exactly where you’re going and how to get there. If you will be staying with a friend or family member, make sure that person is prepared for the fact that you could show up at their doorstep at any time.

■ Call the police if you need help leaving or if you wish to press charges against your partner.

■ Arrange for counseling for yourself and any children you may already have. You may need some support in breaking free of the cycle of abuse and preparing for a happier future with your new baby.

Source : The Unofficial Guide to Having a Baby. Second Edition . Ann Douglas and John R. Sussman, M.D. 2004

Real Mom’s Secret : A Mother who Loves Teaches Worth. Is This Part of Your Parenting?

Here are some questions to ask yourself:

1. How well do you really know your child?

• What are your child’s real passions, the things he loves to do? What are his interests, his hobbies? What does he tune in to or seem fascinated about?
• What are her true talents? For instance, does she draw well? Does she have great rhythm, incredible grace, endurance, a kind heart? Does she think in numbers, have an amazing vocabulary?
• What are his academic abilities? For instance, does he remember things quickly, enjoy reading or listening, like to write, have a knack for numbers, have a long attention span?
• How does she handle social settings? Is she more of a watcher or a joiner? Does she lead or follow? Does she buckle to peer pressure or stand up to it? Does she prefer to be around lots of people, a few, or none at all? Does she make friends easily or need guidance? Is she more of an extrovert or an introvert?
• How well does he handle pressure or criticism? Do deadlines stimulate or paralyze him? Does he need reminders, or is he self-motivated? When he fails, does he need encouragement, or does he pick himself right back up? Does criticism shrivel him or help him? Does he welcome competition or wither? Is he laid back or intense? Does he have positive or negative self-esteem?

2. Thinking now about the profile you’ve just created for your child, you need to ask yourself whether your hopes and dreams for her are based on who she really is or on who you want her to be. Are your current expectations—the ones you’ve more recently crafted for your child’s life—matching your kid so that they enhance his self-esteem? Are your dreams in line with your kid? What would need altering? Here are some things to consider: Would you say for the most part that your child is thriving or barely surviving? Loving the competitive pace or dreading it? Jumping out of bed each morning with an “I can’t wait” attitude for practice or playgroup or violin, or using excuses to get out of it? Is she talking excitedly about gymnastics or that new chess

club you’ve enrolled her in, or is she feigning headaches? Is your kid really capable of taking the accelerated class, doing the chore, participating in soccer or the playgroup? Are some of the tasks above his level of ability? Is he mature enough? Is this something he really wants to do, or is this your dream? Does he have the skills needed to succeed? Write a list of your concerns. Doing so will help you develop a plan to deal with them.

3. Has your kid or someone else ever wondered out loud if you’re being sensitive to who your kid really is?

4. If you’re sitting in a room and your child walks in unexpectedly, do your eyes light up with joy no matter what’s the latest mishap?

5. If there is one thing you could do to be more sensitive to your child and show your unconditional love, what would it be?

Source : 12 Simple Secrets Real Moms Know. GETTING BACK TO BASICS AND RAISING HAPPY KIDS . Michele Borba, Ed.D. 2006

A Real Mom’s Resource Guide

College of the Overwhelmed: The Campus Mental Health Crisis and What to Do About It, by Richard D. Kadison and Theresa Foy Di-Geronimo (San Francisco: Jossey-Bass, 2004). Sure, your kids may still be toddlers, but every parent should be aware of this book, and the sooner you read it the better. Written by the chief of the Mental Health Service at Harvard University Health Services, the book warns us of a mental health crisis in college students today. With the rising numbers of stressedout, depressed, suicidal students who cannot cope with failure (that is, their first B grade), parents need to understand the crisis now to better prepare their kids for life later.

The Heart of Parenting: Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child, by John Gottman, with Joan deClaire (New York: Simon & Schuster, 1997). A renowned psychologist teaches you the five steps of Emotion Coaching not only to help you tune in to your children’s emotional needs but also to help kids become better at soothing themselves when they are upset.

“Help Me, I’m Sad,” by David G. Fassler and Lynne S. Dumas (New York: Viking, 1997). This book is full of solid advice for parents on recognizing, treating, and preventing childhood and adolescent depression.

The Hurried Child: Growing Up Too Fast Too Soon, by David Elkind (New York: Perseus, 2001). The title says it all. Now in its third edition, this classic is still pertinent today.

KidStress, by Georgia Witkin (New York: Viking, 1999). This book talks about what causes kids’ stress and offers practical ideas to alleviate it.

The Over-Scheduled Child, by Alvin Rosenfeld and Nicole Wise (New York: St. Martin’s Griffin, 2001). The authors make a compelling argument against what they consider “hyperparenting” and the impact it has on kids. Put this book on your “mustread” list, Mom.

Parenting by Heart: How to Stay Connected to Your Child in a Disconnected World, by Ron Taffel, with Melinda Blau (Cambridge, Mass.: Perseus, 2002). In this book based around a long-standing series of parenting workshops, Taffel aims to debunk the most damaging myths of parenthood and replace them with a flexible set of solutions that can be easily adapted to different situations. This book presents a variety of innovative ideas that can boost our sensitivity to our children’s needs. Taffel, as always, is practical and affirming.

Positive Pushing: How to Raise a Successful and Happy Child, by Jim Taylor (New York: Hyperion, 2005). Dr. Taylor shows that achievement and happiness can be mutually inclusive. By providing active guidance and positive support, parents free their children to seek out and pursue true success and happiness in life.

The Pressured Child: Helping Your Child Find Success in School and Life, by Michael Thompson, with Teresa Barker (New York: Ballantine, 2004). This book helps sensitize parents to the real pressures that new cultural norms impose on kids at school these days and offers advice to parents and educators on how to help children cope. It is based on interviews with children, parents, and teachers and—most revealing—shadowing students at school.

What Do You Really Want for Your Children? by Wayne W. Dyer (New York: Avon, 1985). This book offers straightforward advice about raising children and increasing their self-esteem.

Your Anxious Child: How Parents and Teachers Can Relieve Anxiety inChildren, by John S. Dacey and Lisa B. Fiore (San Francisco: Jossey-Bass, 2000). This book describes proven ways to help kids handle stress and cope with difficulties more confidently.

Source : 12 Simple Secrets Real Moms Know. GETTING BACK TO BASICS AND RAISING HAPPY KIDS . Michele Borba, Ed.D. 2006

The Urge to Be Super-mom

The result is that many moms today are suffering from what can only be described as a kind of frenzy—an abnormally high level of busyness, tension, stress, speediness, anxiety, heightened awareness, and even panic. Many moms can’t get enough sleep; they can never keep up or do enough for their kids and are feeling guilty and inadequate about it. They’re overwhelmed

trying to be Super-mom, to fulfill the expectations placed on them. They overcompensate by taking on more and more until you might as well admit that they’re in a state of Motherhood Mania. Of course, we accept those expectations. Isn’t that what a good mother does?

We know it’s not for a lack of love and good intentions. Yet it’s painfully obvious that things are bad, and we’ve got to find the reason. There’s no one easy answer, but here are eleven issues to consider:

1. New knowledge about child development.

We know a lot more about child development than we used to, and everyone agrees that parents do make a difference. What we say and do and how we behave with our children have a huge impact on their development. It’s not just nature, its nurture.

2. Competition.

Parents today want their children to excel— to do better than they did. There’s a feeling that kids have to win and do better than other kids, and there’s a big fear of failure, as if only the strong or successful can flourish in this age of anxiety. Moms find themselves fighting ruthlessly with other moms for slots in nursery schools or ice time on the hockey team.

3. More options.

Entrepreneurs have created so many attractive choices and opportunities for kids today. Parents find themselves bombarded with seductive appeals for everything from music, athletic, and academic training to adventure camps in foreign locales that are guaranteed to enrich their children’s lives or teach them a second language.

4. More media.

Here is just a one-week sampling of some of the cover stories in national magazines: Atlantic Monthly: “Stop Being a Slacker Mom”; New York Times Magazine: “Mommy Madness”; U.S. News & World Report: “Mysteries of the Teen Years”; Newsweek: “Babies and Autism”; Time: “What Teachers Hate About Parents: Pushy Dads. Hovering Moms. Parents Who Don’t Show Up at All. Are Kids Paying the Price?” During that same week, many TV and radio talk shows focused on parent-child crisis issues. Over eight hundred books on the concept of motherhood were published between 1970 and 2000; of those, only twenty-seven were published between 1970 and 1980. My mom had just one parenting “guru”: Benjamin Spock. These days it’s as though a new study comes out almost daily advising parents how to optimize their children’s potential.

5. Financial pressures.

It’s more and more expensive to be a parent. School materials, sports equipment and tournament travel, special lessons, tutoring, computer equipment—the demand for cash seems never ending. Then there’s just the “normal” stuff—clothing, food, books. With downsizing and layoffs in our roller coaster economy, parents are also concerned that their kids won’t be able to find a job unless they go to the very best schools and have better skills than anyone else. It all adds to the stress and mania.

6. Guilt.

We’re working. We’re striving. We’re often away from home more than we’d like. We’re trying to do the best for our kids, but it also means that sometimes we’re tired and cranky and don’t do everything we think we ought to be doing for our families. So we’re wracked with guilt, shame, remorse, and more guilt.

7. Wanting to be liked.

Many moms want to be their children’s best friend. They can’t stand the idea of making an unpopular decision, saying no, or (heaven forbid) disciplining their kids if doing so might cause their kids to resent them or say, “You’re mean, Mom.”

8. Outdoing their own moms.

And then there are some moms who are still dealing with unresolved conflicts from their own childhood. The last thing they want to do is repeat the same mistakes their mother made. “I’m going to be a much better mom than she was and show her how it really should be done.”

9. Lack of confidence.

Some mothers feel as though they’re being graded every day and may be flunking the Motherhood Test. They lack confidence in their judgment and are constantly second-guessing themselves.

10. Wanting a trophy child.

Have you ever seen a mother whose child is just her favorite possession—a living representation of her own worth, an accessory? Her kid’s achievements give this mom “bragging rights.” This type of mother is so self-centered that she thinks of her child only as a reflection of her own achievements.

11. The test craze.

These days there is no child left untested. Standardized tests. Achievement tests. Aptitude tests. PSATs. SATs. A child’s current worth and potential for success are coming to be dictated by a portfolio of numbers. From the preschool admission tests to LSATs— they’re making us crazy worrying that our kids aren’t going to be good enough.

And is Motherhood Mania worth it? Is it worth all the time and energy and money we’re spending? Do our kids really benefit from all these splendid extracurricular activities and stimulating experiences?

Source : 12 Simple Secrets Real Moms Know. GETTING BACK TO BASICS AND RAISING HAPPY KIDS . Michele Borba, Ed.D. 2006

Four Simple Strategies for Firm Discipline

1. Use the rewind method. To be absolutely sure your child knows what you want, state your request and then ask her to “rewind” (repeat) what you just said back to you. It takes only a few seconds and eliminates any chance of misunderstanding.

2. Try the “Ten-Second Rule.” Limit your words to exactly what you want your child to do. If you can’t state your request in ten seconds, you’re saying too much.

3. Lower your voice. Sometimes the fastest way to get kids to comply is by lowering your voice tone. Nothing turns a kid off faster than yelling. Teachers have used this strategy for years because it works.

4. Keep it short. Kids are more receptive when they know they don’t have to hear a lecture, so keep your request short and to the point: “Please make your bed before you go outside.” Sometimes saying one word does the trick: “Homework!” “Chores!” Or just write the word on a Post-it and stick it on the TV while your kid is still watching: “BED!” “GARBAGE!” He’ll get the hint. (If not, push the power button off.)

Source : 12 Simple Secrets Real Moms Know. GETTING BACK TO BASICS AND RAISING HAPPY KIDS . Michele Borba, Ed.D. 2006

Real Mom : Are You Ready to Make a Change?

Here are a few more questions to help you realize it’s time to get your family out of the fast lane—to slow down and make a few different parenting choices so that your kids will be happier and more confident, develop stronger values, and become self-reliant. Do any of these ring true for you or your family?

• Do you feel guilty about not living up to your own image of the perfect mom? Do you second-guess your mothering or think you’re not doing a good-enough job?
• Do you worry about your child—about whether the workload and schedule is too much?
• At your parent-teacher conference, do you find yourself asking more about your kid’s grade and how he’s competing with the rest of the class than about whether he is happy and how he gets along?
• Are you frequently stressed or exhausted or impatient with your family? Does the littlest, tiniest thing get under your skin? Are you quick to anger? Are you yelling more?
• Are you on the coach’s case complaining that your child isn’t getting enough game time or respect on the team?
• Has success become such a huge commodity in your family that your kids are afraid to let you down or disappoint you with a poor grade?
• Do you worry that your kid seems really anxious or depressed? That she’s not having any fun?
• Do you worry when your kid seems to have nothing to do, and feel as though you have to educate or entertain him every second of the day?
• Do you always compare yourself frequently to other mothers and worry that they’re doing a better job than you are?

If you answered yes to any of the questions, it’s time to you make some changes for your kids, yourself, and your family.

We’ll work on simple changes so that you stop trying to do it all and instead focus on what really matters in giving your kid what she needs to be happy and successful on her own.

Yes, it will involve a little work—but we’re talking about simple changes. I’ll show you how to make easy adjustments that can have a dramatic impact on your family. And if you stick to your commitment and do make those changes, you will be happier and more content in your mothering, and your children will have a much better chance of being successful not only in school but also in life. And that’s because you’ll be raising your kids so they can survive and thrive without you.

Source : 12 Simple Secrets Real Moms Know. GETTING BACK TO BASICS AND RAISING HAPPY KIDS . Michele Borba, Ed.D. 2006

Five Steps to Boosting Your Sensitivity

Step One: Match Your Expectations to Your Child's True Self.

To make sure that the expectations you set for your child are ones that stretch her potential without unintentionally zapping her self-worth, ask yourself this: Are my expectations

1. Developmentally appropriate.

Is my child developmentally ready for the tasks I’m requiring, or am I pushing him beyond the limits of his internal timetable? Learn what’s appropriate for your child’s age, but still keep in mind that developmental guidelines are not etched in stone. It’s always best to start from where your child is.

2. Realistic.

Is my expectation fair and reasonable, or am I expecting too much? Realistic expectations stretch kids to aim higher, without pushing them beyond their capabilities. Be careful of setting standards too high. Putting your child in situations that are too difficult puts her at risk of failing and lowering her feelings of competence.

3. Child oriented.

Is what I’m expecting something my child wants, or is it something I want more for myself? We all want our kids to be successful, but we have to be constantly wary of setting goals for our kids that are attempts to fulfill our dreams and not those of our kids.

4. Success oriented.

Am I setting the kind of expectations that tell my child I believe he’s responsible, reliable, and worthy? Effective expectations encourage kids to be their best so that they can develop a solid belief in themselves.

Don’t get so wrapped up in your hopes and dreams for your child’s future that you lose sight of what matters most in the here and now. After all, what could be more important than your child’s knowing that you love and cherish her for who she is—not for what you want her to be and what you hope she will become?

Step Two: Tune In to What’s Really Going On with Your Kid.

Put down that cell phone. Don’t worry about the dust. Be intentional. Take time every day—I’m not talking hours, just a few minutes—to take a good look at your child’s life and how things are going.

Step Three: Check Your Kid’s Vital Signs.

First the face: Are his eyes sparkling or flat? Is he scowling or smiling? Next the body language: Is she relaxed or stiff? Slumped down or coiled up? Finally, the voice: Is it tense and edgy or warm and resonant? Are you hearing whines or laughter? Any sudden changes in behavior: Clinginess? Anger or temper tantrums? Avoidance of situations? Negativity? Loss or big increase of appetite? Too little or too much sleep? Remember, your child isn’t going to come up and say outright, “You’re making demands on me I can’t fulfill,” but there are many ways, if you’re sensitive, that you can see it for yourself.

Step Four: Identify the Specific Misfit Between Expectation and Reality.

Is that accelerated class too hard? Is the coach too demanding? Are you too critical of your kid’s grades? Is that clique you’ve encouraged her to join too upscale? Talk to your spouse, the teacher, or your best friend.

Step Five: Take Action to Remove the Mismatch Between Your Expectation and Reality.

Find a better class. Take a break from soccer. Back off from stressing over grade-point average. Let your child choose her own friends. Remain vigilante and sensitive to your kid’s needs. Never stop checking for stress and overload, identifying the potential causes and taking action to provide the remedy.

Source : 12 Simple Secrets Real Moms Know. GETTING BACK TO BASICS AND RAISING HAPPY KIDS . Michele Borba, Ed.D. 2006

Six Core Principles of Real Mothering

Having traveled around a lot talking, interviewing, and surveying mothers across the United States and throughout the world these past few years, I can tell you with confidence that being a real mother is founded on just six core principles that these women knew all along. A responsible, caring woman

1. Loves her children deeply and is committed to raising them to the best of her ability

2. Knows the essential and proven parenting principles

3. Maintains a strong belief that no one understands or knows better what’s best for her child than herself

4. Recognizes her child’s and her own unique strengths and temperament, and customizes her parenting to fit

5. Has the confidence to act on these beliefs

6. Knows, above all else, that it’s the connection with her child that matters most

The true essence of real mothering lies in who you really are and how you connect with your child—and that’s what we’ve so often forgotten.

We need to get back to real mothering. The benefits of doing so are profound for you, your child, and your family—they last for always. And the sooner we return to basic, instinctive, natural, authentic mothering, the stronger our families will be.

Source : 12 Simple Secrets Real Moms Know. GETTING BACK TO BASICS AND RAISING HAPPY KIDS . Michele Borba, Ed.D. 2006

The Benefits of Being a Real Mother

Some of the long-term dividends of being a real mother are obvious and easy to appreciate; others are more subtle, yet no less important. Here is my list of seven reasons we need to get real:

1. Real moms can help their kids buck peer pressure because the certainty and firmness of their conviction strengthens their influence on their kids.

2. Real moms’ children are more likely to adopt their mother’s values because their mother hasn’t watered down her beliefs with the latest trends or moral compromises.

3. Real moms are likely to be better models of patience and self control because they’re being themselves and are at peace with who they are.

4. Real moms are happier and have more joy in their families because there is so much less pretense and putting on to keep up.

5. Real moms are less guilty and anxious because they’re not trying to be perfect by other people’s standards.

6. Real moms are more appreciated because their kids have had a chance to know their interests and passions.

7. Real moms have more energy for their families because they don’t waste time doing things that don’t match their priorities and beliefs.

The result of all these wonderful benefits is that real moms enjoy a powerful connection with their children that lasts for always. If your kids are two, three, twenty, or older, the bond remains as strong and important as ever. You could even say that your model and the lessons you’ve learned are carried with them in their own lives and families. It’s the most important legacy that you can ever provide.

Source : 12 Simple Secrets Real Moms Know. GETTING BACK TO BASICS AND RAISING HAPPY KIDS . Michele Borba, Ed.D. 2006

Characteristics of Gifted Families (Part 2)

Perfectionism is an energy that can be used either positively or negatively. It can cause paralysis and underachievement, if the person feels incapable of meeting standards set by the self or by others. It also can be the passion that leads to extraordinary creative achievement—an ecstatic struggle to move beyond the previous limits of one’s capabilities and a component of the drive for self-actualization (Maslow, 1970). In a study of 400 gifted sixth graders, Parker (1997) found perfectionism to be correlated with conscientiousness rather than neurosis; he argued for appreciation of a healthy form of perfectionism. Therapists need to be able to distinguish between unreachable, punitive self-standards and a level of excellence within the grasp of gifted clients.

In gifted mothers, perfectionism may blend with their desire for beauty and order. Leta Hollingworth (1939) wrote that she had never met a gifted person who did not have a love of beauty. The desire to create beauty can express itself in gardening; flower arranging; taste in clothing; the care with which one decorates one’s home; delight in music, art, and sunsets; orderliness; and appreciation of the elegance of mathematics. Gifted individuals with limited funds may become depressed having to live in inelegant surroundings. Family conflicts erupt when perfectionist mothers with a strong aesthetic sense strive to maintain too high a level of order in their homes. For example, one mother insisted that her teenage son hang all of his clothes in the same direction in his closet. It is essential for the counselor to honor the gifted mother’s need for beauty and, at the same, assist her in picking her battles.

The complexity of gifted minds is mirrored in the complexity of their emotions. Highly intelligent people see so many variables in a situation, so many connections between seemingly unrelated events, and so many potential outcomes that they may not be able to sort through all of the information to find an appropriate path. Decision-making is simpler when one has less information. While there has been much psychological investigation of the pitfalls of black/white thinking, little has been written about the dilemma of living with an infinite number of shades of gray. If the individual is petrified of making a mistake and believes that all but one of those shades of gray will be a dreadful error, life becomes a perilous walk on a tightrope with no safety net below. And if members of a family share this trait, decision-making is highly charged. The therapist must provide the safety net, while attempting to unknot the multitudinous variables, so that family members can safely navigate life. The heart of therapeutic work with gifted families comes from their insatiable need for meaning. The clinician often asks, “What does this mean to you?” Gifted individuals are willing to cope with loneliness, being the perpetual outsider, and even lack of joy, if they can find meaning in their experience.

Two other characteristics of the gifted family are their lack of conventionality and their cohesiveness. Some therapists mistake the closeness of many gifted families for enmeshment. This is especially true for the exceptionally gifted, who may have no one outside their

family with whom they can relate. Kearney (1992) writes:

Giftedness is a family affair. … Discrepancies in an individual child’s development affect siblings, parents, and extended family members as well as the child, and educational options have repercussions that can reverberate throughout the family system and across generations. (p. 9)

If these children are placed in heterogeneous, rigidly age-graded classrooms in school with no opportunity to associate with gifted peers for academic and social activities, it may appear to their teachers that they do not “socialize well” with other children. In addition, if they complicate the play to the point where other children literally cannot play with them, they will not be surrounded by playmates at recess. But within the family, they may spend hours and hours with gifted siblings of varying ages participating in imaginative, extremely complex play. During the 19th century, this would not have been unusual, since children spent much less time in school and much more time at home. Twentieth century society, however, features a much different pattern of expectations for family life. Thus, such closeness and creativity among gifted siblings sometimes is perceived negatively by schools and mental health professionals… (pp. 9–10)

Source : Clinical Practice with Gifted Families. Handbook of Giftedness In Children. Linda Kreger Silverman and Alexandra Shires Golon. 2008

The Age issue to Having a Baby (part 3)

■ Get the scoop on your family’s reproductive history.

Find out if you have close female relatives who have had difficulty conceiving or who have had trouble with endometriosis, uterine fibroids, early menopause, or uterine abnormalities. Some of these conditions tend to run in families, so you’ll want to know upfront what you may be dealing with so that you can either seek treatment or fast-forward your baby-making schedule if it looks like you may be facing greater-than-average challenges on the reproductive front.

■ Choose your sexual partners with care.

Sexually transmitted disease (STDs) are just plain bad news for the female reproductive system, so take steps to protect yourself and your future baby-to-be. (Some STDs can be harmful — even deadly — to the developing baby, so you can’t be too careful on this front.)

■ Quit smoking.

While you’re no doubt aware of the terrible toll that smoking can take on your heart, lungs, and other organs, you might not realize that it can do a real number on your reproductive system, too. Studies have shown that women who smoke are 30 percent less fertile than other women. And, what’s more, they’re at increased risk of developing pelvic inflammatory disease. So smoking is just plain bad news for you and the baby you hope to have some day

■ Encourage your partner to safeguard his fertility, too.

Future fathers are sometimes guilty of assuming that fertility is “a girl thing” that they, as guys, don’t have to pay much attention to. That kind of thinking is dangerously outdated and could rob a guy of his chance to be a dad. In fact, in recognition of the fact that sperm quality does tend to deteriorate over time, The American Society of Reproductive Medicine is now recommending an age limit of 50 for sperm donors. But, of course, that’s not all a guy needs to think about on the fertility front. A man’s reproductive system can be damaged by sports injuries, exposure to toxic chemicals or radiation, the use of anabolic steroids, the use of certain types of medications that can hamper sperm production and/or reduce sperm counts — even by something as simple as carrying around too much weight. (Men who are significantly overweight tend to have excessively high levels of the female sex hormone estrogen, something that can affect a man’s fertility.)

And any dad who is actively trying to father a child should be laying off the alcohol, drugs, and cigarettes, too: these vices can interfere with a man’s ability to ejaculate and/or affect his overall fertility. (Just tell your guy the true high in life comes from being a dad!)

Source : The Unofficial Guide to Having a Baby. Second Edition . Ann Douglas and John R. Sussman, M.D. 2004

Characteristics of Gifted Families (Part 1)

The characteristics of giftedness in childhood do not disappear when one becomes an adult. Only memory has a short shelf life. Parents of highly able children are usually gifted ex-children (Tolan, 1994). Genetic studies suggest that “intelligence…is one of the most heritable dimensions of behavior” (Plomin, 1999, p. 29); therefore, if one child is gifted, it is likely that the entire family is gifted. From this perspective, there are no “potentially” gifted children, even as there are no potentially retarded children.

Families of the gifted have been studied from a different vantage point: to discover how family life creates giftedness or eminence (e.g., Albert, 1980; Bloom 1985; Goertzel, Goertzel, Goertzel & Hansen, 2004) and to see how one child being labeled gifted affects siblings (e.g., Colangelo & Brower, 1987; Cornell, 1984). These questions are from the fields of psychology and education, which have been somewhat skeptical of genetics. The concept that a gifted child is imbedded within a gifted family is probably more palatable to medically trained psychiatrists and clinical social workers, since medicine places a strong premium on heredity.

When a parent brings a child for testing, it often opens the door to self-discovery, sometimes leading the parent to seek assessment for him- or herself. Even without formal testing, parents may begin to recognize their own abilities when they read a list of the characteristics of giftedness. But owning one’s gifts is another matter.

Giftedness is so wed to recognized achievement in adults that most parents, regardless of what they have achieved, have an immediate disconnect from the notion that they might be gifted. This is particularly true of mothers, who often avow, “She gets it from her father!” If mothers are their daughters’ first role models, and mothers cannot be gifted, how can their daughters believe in their own giftedness?

Many of the issues in gifted families are related to unrecognized giftedness and the characteristics of the gifted throughout the life cycle. The feeling of being an outsider in any social sphere, a feeling that began in childhood, colors the parent’s attitudes and concerns for the child. It is this lack of belonging that may drive a gifted adult to seek therapy and that gets triggered when there is family conflict. If the conflict is intense, it may bring the threat of loss of the only community to which the parent has ever belonged.

Increased sensitivity is common throughout the family system. Intensity is another family trait (Meckstroth, 1989). Any perceived slight can quickly escalate into a major drama. Luckily, intense blow-ups often blow over quickly. In working with the incendiary quality of the gifted family, two other characteristics of giftedness can mitigate the potential damage to family relations. Highly intelligent people are capable of understanding the point of view of others. And, as the first counselor/psychologist of the gifted, Leta Hollingworth (1940), often pointed out, humor is their “saving sense” (p. 274). If they can see the humor in the situation, or can get to the point where they are capable of laughing at themselves, they can get beyond their feelings of wounded-ness.

The argumentativeness of gifted families can be off-putting for those who do not understand it. Nearly all gifted individuals argue: some argue out loud and some argue with others in their minds—too polite to voice what they are thinking. Argument is a way of knowing and a form of mental exercise engaged in by inquisitive minds.

In some gifted families, mental sparring is the basic form of communication. Leta Hollingworth understood this trait well. As part of her “emotional education,” she designed a program to train highly gifted children in the fine art of argumentation, including “argument with oneself,” “argument with others in private, involving etiquette and the art of polite disagreement,” and “argument in public” (Hollingworth, 1939, p. 585). If parents were raised in authoritarian families where they were punished if they were disobedient, they may perceive their children’s argumentativeness as oppositional defiance.

There is very likely to be heightened perfectionism in a gifted family. This is one of the most frequently misunderstood qualities of the gifted. Clinicians often assume that perfectionism needs to be cured, since it appears to be a factor in several conditions, such as stress-related ailments, anxiety, depression, anorexia, bulimia, workaholic, sexual compulsions and dysfunctions, chemical abuse, Type A coronary-prone behavior, migraines, excessive cosmetic surgeries, suicide, psychosomatic disorders, and obsessive-compulsive personality disorder (American Psychiatric Association, 1994). However, in the gifted, perfectionism may have an entirely different significance (Silverman, 1999).

Source : Clinical Practice with Gifted Families. Handbook of Giftedness In Children. Linda Kreger Silverman and Alexandra Shires Golon. 2008

The age issue to Having a Baby (part 2)

If you decide to put your baby-making plans on hold for the foreseeable future, but you’re still hoping to become a mother someday, it’s important that you take steps now to safeguard your future fertility. Here are the key points to keep in mind:

■ Choose a birth control method that is fertility enhancing.

The birth control pill (a.k.a. “the Pill”) gets top marks from fertility experts because it changes the consistency of your cervical mucus, making it more difficult for bacteria to pass through the mucus and into your uterus and tubes. The Pill also serves up some added benefits on the fertility

front: it helps to prevent ovarian cysts, halt the progression of endometriosis (a condition that can lead to fallopian tube scarring), to decrease the incidence of ovarian and uterine cancer, and to restore a normal hormonal balance in women who don’t ovulate. Of course, it doesn’t provide you with protection against sexually transmitted diseases, so that’s something you’ll want to keep in mind if you haven’t quite settled upon Mr. Right yet. A birth control method you might want to steer clear of until your baby-making days are behind you is the intrauterine device (IUD): it has been linked to an increase incidence of pelvic inflammatory disease — a major cause of infertility in women.

■ Pay attention to any gynecological red flags.

If you notice an unusual discharge from your breasts or detect any unusual menstrual bleeding, see your gynecologist sooner rather than later. The sooner you seek treatment for any hormonal imbalances or other gynecological health problems, the less likely these problems are to take a toll on your future fertility.

Continue…

Source : The Unofficial Guide to Having a Baby. Second Edition . Ann Douglas and John R. Sussman, M.D. 2004

What are the Signs of Giftedness?

Parental recognition has been found to be a key ingredient in identification of, and differentiation for, gifted children in school settings (Dickinson, 1970). Recognition is enhanced when parents are exposed to a list of the typical traits of giftedness (Munger, 1990; Silverman, Chitwood, & Waters, 1986), such as the following:

Characteristics of Giftedness

Compared to other children your child’s age, how many of these descriptors fit your child?

• Reasons well (good thinker)

• Learns rapidly

• Has extensive vocabulary

• Has an excellent memory

• Has a long attention span (if interested)

• Sensitive (feelings hurt easily)

• Shows compassion

• Perfectionist

• Intense

• Morally sensitive

• Has strong curiosity

• Perseverant in areas of interest

• Has high degree of energy

• Prefers older companions or adults

• Has a wide range of interests

• Has a great sense of humor

• Early or avid reader (if too young to read, loves being read to)

• Concerned with justice, fairness

• Judgment mature for age at times

• Is a keen observer

• Has a vivid imagination

• Is highly creative

• Tends to question authority

• Has facility with numbers

• Good at jigsaw puzzles

The 25 traits above are from the Characteristics of Giftedness Scale (Silverman, 1993b), developed and studied over a period of 34 years (K. Rogers & Silverman, 1998; Silverman, 2003a). The descriptors were selected to meet the following criteria:

(a) applicable to a wide age range,

(b) generalize able to children of varied socioeconomic and ethnic backgrounds,

(c) gender fair,

(d) easily observed in the home environment,

(e) brief and clearly worded for ease of interpretation by parents, and

(f) supported by research.

The Characteristics of Giftedness Scale is a 4-point Likert scale, with room for anecdotal descriptions of each characteristic. Delisle (1992) has found that accuracy of parent checklists improves dramatically when parents are asked to provide anecdotal data about each characteristic endorsed. For many years, the scale was administered in a phone interview, and now it is sent to parents electronically. There is also a teacher version. In a study of 1000 children whose parents indicated that their children exhibited three-fourths of the characteristics, 84% of the children tested above 120 IQ (Silverman, 1998). Another 11% demonstrated superior abilities in some areas, but had weaknesses that depressed their IQ scores below 120. Exceptionally gifted children (above 160 IQ) demonstrated 80 to 90% of the characteristics (K. Rogers & Silverman, 1998).

Source : Clinical Practice with Gifted Families. Handbook of Giftedness In Children. Linda Kreger Silverman and Alexandra Shires Golon. 2008

The Age issue to Having a Baby (part 1)

While you might be tempted to hold off on starting a family until you have your financial house in order, it might not be the wisest move from a biological standpoint. According to the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists, postponing motherhood indefinitely isn’t necessarily in the best interests of mother or baby. Not only do you risk missing out on the experience of motherhood entirely (the biological clock waits for no woman, after all), you face an increased risk of experiencing reproductive or other health problems, or of giving birth to a baby with health problems. Here’s what you need to know in order to be fully informed on the age issue:

■ Older mothers are less fertile than younger mothers.

According to the American Society for Reproductive Medicine, a woman over age 40 has just a 5 percent chance of conceiving during any given cycle as compared to the 20 percent odds enjoyed by a woman in her early 20s.

■ Older mothers face an increased risk of miscarriage.

According to a study reported in the British Medical Journal, by the time a woman reaches age 45, her odds of having a pregnancy end in miscarriage are roughly 75 percent.

■ Older mothers face an increased risk of giving birth to a baby with a chromosomal abnormality.

While a 25-year-old woman faces 1/476 odds of giving birth to a baby with a chromosomal abnormality such as Down syndrome, a 45-year-old woman faces 1/21 odds.

■ Older mothers are more likely to conceive twins or other multiples than younger mothers.

Because complications are more common in multiple pregnancies and multiples are more likely to be born prematurely, the rate of loss in multiple pregnancies tends to be higher than when a

woman is carrying a single baby.

■ Older mothers are more likely to develop complications during their pregnancies. Preeclampsia (extremely high blood pressure), placenta previa (when the placenta blocks the exit to the uterus), placental abruptions (the premature separation of the placenta from the uterine wall), gestational diabetes (a form of diabetes that is triggered during pregnancy), premature birth (birth before the 37th completed week of pregnancy), and intrauterine growth restriction (when the baby ends up being significantly smaller than what would be expected for a baby of a particular gestational age) are all more common in order mothers than in younger mothers. Women over the age of 40 are also more likely to have preexisting health problems such as coronary artery disease that may complicate their pregnancies — yet another reason to keep an eye on the biological clock.

■ Older mothers are more likely to require an operative delivery.

Forceps, vacuum extractions, and inductions are more common among older mothers, and, what’s more, older mothers are more likely to require a cesarean delivery than their younger counterparts. (A study reported in the medical journal Obstetrics and Gynecology noted that mothers over the age of 44 are 7.5 times as likely to require a cesarean delivery as younger mothers.)

Continue…

Source : The Unofficial Guide to Having a Baby. Second Edition . Ann Douglas and John R. Sussman, M.D. 2004

What Is a Real Mom?

Hey, Mom: Are you real? Is what you’re doing as a mother going to “last for always”?

Sure, that may sound like a silly question, but the answer is going to tell you a lot about just how effective you are as a mother, how influential you will be on your children’s lives, and whether they will grow up to be happy adults with character and confidence. It will also make a big difference in just how happy your family is now, today, every day.

What does a real mom look like?

• A real mom doesn’t worry about what other moms are doing or saying.
• A real mom knows her children so well that she makes her parenting decisions based on their unique needs.
• A real mom is clear about her personal values and code of behavior, and sticks to them.
• A real mom knows what’s important for her family and keeps those priorities straight.
• A real mom has confidence in her maternal instinct and isn’t pushed around by the latest pressures and trends.
• A real mom knows that what matters most is a close connection with her children so that her influence lasts for always.

And what does a real mom do?

Above all, she stays true to herself and connected to her kids, and she doesn’t deviate from what she knows is best for her family.

• Real moms have a life of their own.
• Real moms break the rules for their family.
• Real moms let their kids wear the same clothes two days in a row.
• Real moms go on a date with their husbands and aren’t afraid to miss the PTA meeting.
• Real moms give their kids pots and pans to play with.
• Real moms leave their food on the tray and head for the parking lot when their kid has a meltdown at McDonalds.
• Real moms make their kids do their own homework.
• Real moms aren’t afraid to say no.
• Real moms give themselves time-outs.
• Real moms tell their kids they don’t have to play Beethoven’s “Für Elise” at the family reunion.
• Real moms know it’s not personal when their kids say, “You’re the meanest mother in the whole world.”
• Real moms say “Good job” when their kids get an A but hold off on the brand-new Lexus.
• Real moms make their sixteen-year-olds set their own alarm clocks.
• Real moms tell their kids to pay their own library fines.
• Real moms ask Uncle Harry to put on the lampshade and do his juggling act on the kitchen table as the birthday party clown.
• Real moms let their kids be bored.
• Real moms say, “Not in our family” when their kids complain that “But everyone else does.”
• Real moms say, “I’m not an ATM machine” and tell their kids to save money.
• Real moms admit they’re wrong.
• Real moms know they’re not perfect.
• Real moms leave the dust when the playgroup comes over.
• Real moms admit when they’re grouchy.
• Real moms send their kid to canoe paddling camp when the other mothers enroll theirs in intensive Chinese language immersion.

Source : 12 Simple Secrets Real Moms Know. GETTING BACK TO BASICS AND RAISING HAPPY KIDS . Michele Borba, Ed.D. 2006