Toddlerhood series : Why does my toddler act the way she does?

As your toddler begins to explore the world, he needs you to set firm but gentle limits on what he can and can’t do. You don’t want to stifle the curiosity and spirit of adventure that makes life so exciting for your toddler now. But you do want to keep him safe, and you want to teach him how to behave.

At this stage, your child is becoming her own person, separate from you. She wants to explore the things that interest her, which won’t always be the same as the things that you want her to explore. You’ll have fewer struggles over her behavior if you build some flexibility into your approach. If you want to look at the flowers with your toddler—but find out that she wants to make mud pies instead—she isn’t trying to be difficult. She’s just following her natural curiosity about the world.

It’s helpful to keep in mind that children don’t really begin to develop self-control until about age 3. Until then, your toddler has few internal “no’s” to stop her from doing what she wants even if she does know it’s something you don’t approve of. You have to help your toddler control her impulses because she can’t do it by herself.

Depending on her maturity, your toddler may be able to control certain things about her behavior, such as whether or not she kicks a playmate or pulls the cat’s tail. But she can’t control her feelings. She can’t help whether she feels happy or sad, or angry or calm. And she can’t control whether she wants to pull soup cans off the supermarket shelf even though you’ve asked her not to. So she usually isn’t trying to disobey when she has a tantrum or makes a mess. Instead, she’s saying, “Help! I don’t know what else to do right now.” She’s telling you that she needs you to help her keep from reaching her boiling point or find appropriate ways to express her feelings if she does.

Remember that your toddler doesn’t really want her own way all the time, even if it sometimes seems that way. She wants some control, but having it all would be scary. When she pushes, she’s trying to find out what is OK and what isn’t.

So your job is to decide what’s acceptable to you and what isn’t. It’s essential not to compromise on safety issues, such as using a car safety seat or requiring your child to hold your hand while crossing streets. But on some issues there may be no clear-cut line between what’s “best” and what’s not. You may have very different ideas from a close co-worker about what kind of snacks or toys your toddlers should have, and each of you can be making the right decision for your child.

Source : Questions Parents Of Toddler Ask. Ceridian Corporation.2001