How do I show understanding to a very young child?

When a child is very young, she doesn’t understand a lot of talking. It is still possible (and very important) to be understanding with her. For example, when a baby cries, an understanding parent looks for a cause rather than blaming the child.

The parent might check for hunger, a dirty diaper, discomfort, or loneliness. The understanding parent recognizes that a child cries because of a need. Parents can learn to be sensitive to those needs. Understanding starts long before children understand our words.

What is the message a child gets when we are understanding?

Think about how it feels to be understood. What are the messages we get when someone shows us understanding? When someone takes the time to understand our feelings, it may cause us to feel loved and safe. A child who feels understood by us is more likely to trust us and feel close to us.

Feeling understood helps a child understand his own feelings, respect them, and deal with them.

It may actually help the child find solutions to the problems. Showing understanding to a child may be especially difficult for parents. We tend to think it’s our job to correct and change our children. Consider the example of spilled milk.

When a child spills milk at the table, it’s common for parents to become angry. Sometimes we give them lectures about being more careful. Sometimes we even call our children names like “clumsy” or “stupid.” Lectures and name calling are likely to make the child angry or hurt.

How can we show understanding when a child makes a mistake like spilling milk? One way is to simply say, “Oops. Will you get a towel and wipe up the spill, please?” By avoiding lectures and insults, we are showing respect for the child’s feelings. Insulting lectures don’t help children do better next time they have milk. They may even make the child more nervous and more likely to spill it.

Another message of understanding is: “It’s easy to spill a glass of milk. All of us do it some time. Please get a towel and wipe up the spill.” Children need to know they can make mistakes and still be loved and accepted. Sometimes it’s hard to show understanding because we feel angry when the child makes a mistake. When we’re afraid we might say something mean, we are wise to be quiet until we feel less anger.

Source : Principles of Parenting. H Wallace Goddard.