Being understanding with our children can result in less conflict in our relationships with them. Being understanding is also an important part of helping our children become secure and healthy people. And being understanding is a powerful way of showing love. Most of us feel that we are already good at understanding our children and at showing that understanding. But there are surprises in the process of understanding. The ways we try to show understanding often don’t work very well.
Ways NOT to show understanding
Many things we think show understanding actually have the opposite effect. They make a person feel mad or misunderstood. Following are some examples of things that we should avoid:
• Don’t give advice.
“What you need to do is . . . .”
“If you would stop being such a baby you wouldn’t have that trouble.”
• Don’t talk about your own feelings and experiences instead of theirs.
“I understand.”
“That same thing happened to me.”
“That’s nothing. You should hear what happened to me.”
“I know just how you feel.”
• Don’t make the child’s pain seem unimportant.
“Everybody suffers. What makes you so special?”
“Why don’t you grow up?”
“Stop that. You’re driving me crazy.”
When people feel bad, they feel that their pain is so bad that no one can really understand it. That’s why a person who is hurting would probably rather have you say, “Your pain must be awful. I wish I could understand just how sad (or hurt or lonely) you feel.” Sometimes the best way to show understanding is to admit that you can’t understand just how bad a person feels.
How can I show understanding?
The key to understanding what the other person feels is identifying her feeling. After we have listened carefully (and watched carefully) to learn how a child is feeling and acting, we might do one of the following:
• Acknowledge or identify the child’s feeling.
“You feel strongly about this!”
“You seem to feel very concerned (hurt, upset, confused).”
• Invite more discussion.
“I would like to understand how you are feeling. Will you tell me more?”
“Uh huh.”
• Understand that the person’s pain is special for that person.
“I wish I could understand better how you feel.”
“Ouch. I don’t know if I can even guess how terrible you feel.”
• Use active listening.
“Let me see if I understand. You feel like . . . ? “
“It sounds like you feel lonely (confused, sad, etc.).”
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